


Nobody Knows What It's Like To Be Lonely

by Kabella



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Angst, Antennae, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Cream, Intimacy, M/M, Terrorcest - Freeform, UK - Freeform, Understanding, What is love, fake death, misconceptiona
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25459948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: Tommy reveals feelings to Nikki.Niki doesn't get it. Tommy is let down. That is until Nikki reveals something that Tommy never realized.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27





	Nobody Knows What It's Like To Be Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a one shot for you. Keeping in line with the Too Fast For Love song titles. Actually, this sing didn't made the cut for the album, but it was a contender and one of Nikki's firsts.
> 
> This one shot is unrelated to the early days mini-series that I've been working on. It was an idea that just came to me last night. I had to write it before I lost the vibe.
> 
> And no worries, the last chapter of the Early Days is in the works. It's about halfway done. I'll probably have that up day after next. Hope you enjoy this one in the meantime.

“Hey, Sixx? You ever been in love?” Tommy asks

“Nope,” Nikki replies, not even bothering to look at this friend.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. I have no use for that emotion.”

Tommy sighs, sitting on the couch in his house with Nikki, mindlessly watching videos. Tommy recently divorce his first wife, whom he never should have married in the first place. The entire thing was a shit show. Before the divorce was finalized, the drummer developed a new interest in someone, and that someone is sitting on the couch next to him.

Tommy has been close to Nikki, pretty much since day one. Best friends within a matter of days. The days turned into months, then months in years… a few of them. Then it happened. It wasn’t planned. 

The band was in the UK for the Donington Festival, their nightly accommodations were humble, tight quarters. Nikki and Tommy ended up in a room together with just one full sized bed. It was kind of an oversight on the part of the booking agent, but not an unusual thing for a stay in the UK. The agent promised to fix it by the next day, but well, for the first night, there was nothing that they could do to properly board this rowdy American band. And even this booking wasn’t exactly easy, the news of their bad reputation made its way across the ocean. The four band members were told to work it out among themselves. The other room had two single beds. The Terror Twin shrugged. Wasn’t a big deal or anything to argue about. They took the room with the one bed without hesitation. Most likely they weren’t going to be sleeping much anyway, if at all. I mean, there was a ton of drugs to pack up their noses and singe their fingertips on, as well as fine bottles of spirits just waiting to be soaked into their veins.

That night, feeling high and mighty, the duo laughed and talked, and tried their damnedest to get the telly to tune in. Tommy, feeling dizzy from the scrolling screen, working hard to adjust the vertical hold and those rabbit ears for reception. 

“There! There! Got it!” Tommy squeals, letting go of the antenna. It flops about 5 seconds after he lets go, and the screen starts scrolling again. “Fuck it,” Tommy finally said, snapping them off, the TV picture immediately turning to fuzzy snow. 

Once they stopped laughing, the drummer tossed one of the antennas to Nikki. “Here, since that motherfucker from Iron Maiden keeps talking about fencing with you, let’s practice in case he challenges you to a duel, my good man.”

“Good thinking, chap,” Nikki says, stumbling to his feet. The pair clack their makeshift epees together, trying to take jabs at one another. Tommy goes in for a stab. Nikki is swift to step back, but is met by the bed behind him. He’s trapped. He takes a second to weigh his options, but…. too late, Tommy goes in for the kill, ‘stabbing’ Nikki in the heart. The bassist feigns his death in melodramatic fashion, falling onto the bed, body convulsing, as he gasps some final words about this cruel world. Then he falls still, eyes shut, one hand over his heart, and a smirk on his face.

“Bloody hell! I’ve killed the young wanker. Whatever shall I do?” Tommy yelps out, in his finest British accent. 

Nikki picks his head up, “I hear that Irish whiskey down the throat works miracles in these British Isles.” He goes back to being dead.

Tommy giggles to himself, with an idea. He grabs the already opened bottle, and straddles himself on top of the bass player. “Nikki, open up for mouth-to-mouth rescue.” He gulps a mouthful, hovers over Nikki, and then spits it into his open mouth. He’s laughing hysterically.

“More. I’m not out of the woods yet,” Nikki says, pointing to his mouth.

Tommy does a repeat, taking some for himself first, then filling his mouth with another dose for Nikki.

“More. I’m fading,” Nikki chokes out.

Tommy inspects the medium sized bottle, in wonderment. Somehow it’s gone, but for a tablespoon or two. “I hope this last dose does it. The medicine bottle is empty. Half for you, half for me,” Tommy says, before emptying the rest of the bottle into his mouth, then tossing it. 

He leans over Nikki, and spits about half of his mouthful into his friend’s. Only, Nikki is greedy; before Tommy can upright himself, he grabs Tommy’s head, forcing him onto his mouth to try to expel what’s left into it. Tommy can’t stop laughing, as he tries to fight Nikki, which results in that mere amount of saliva-laced whiskey being dribbled out all over Nikki’s face. 

“Shit! That’s a waste,” Tommy cackles, as he starts lapping it up off of Nikki’s face, not really taking any time to think about what he’s doing. They’re just both blitzed beyond rationale.

Tommy sweeps his tongue over Nikki’s lips. He’s still cracking up, but quickly calming into somewhat of a blurry dreamlike state, blinking his eyes repeatedly. Nikki is amused by his friend’s desperate actions to savor the last bit of tasty liquor. He sees Tommy spacing out, staring at him, and without any more thought, the two buddies have their lips locked.

This drunken silliness wound up leading to a night of drunken passion. The Terror Twins, opening themselves up to each other, spent the rest of the night discovering how incredible it feels to be fucked in the ass by each other on a lumpy full-sized bed with a loose headboard that banged up against the wall, chipping the wall plaster, with every move.

There was some awkwardness between the two the following day, but they quickly worked past that, knowing that they wanted more. Which has now led them here, a few months later, sitting on Tommy’s couch with the TV on, after a rumble between the sheets in Tommy’s bedroom, about an hour earlier.

After the first few sexual encounters, the pair decided to just consider themselves friends who fuck [often]. But there’s only so much fucking you can do before feelings start to creep in. It is a very intimate act, after all. At least this is Tommy’s perspective. He’s been finding lots of jealousy creeping in when Nikki gets cozy with a groupie, gets deep into conversation with Mick, or pals around with Vince, laughing and having fun. He knows that he shouldn’t be; Mick and Vince are their friends, and are always going to be around. And the girls, well he doesn’t like it, but Nikki does make it clear that Tommy is his favorite fuck, and the girls are just for a quick release. Hell, Tommy knows that. He does it too. So why doesn’t Nikki seem jealous? How is it that he can handle this in a cool cat way? Tommy thinks that it might be beneficial for them to kind of maybe admit feelings to each other before jealousy becomes a big problem. Being a favorite fuck is great, but being loved is even better. Which led him to the question he asked Nikki about being in love. 

“You might be missing out, Nikki, if you just write it off,” Tommy says, finally after a few silent moments.

“I’m good,” Nikki replies, as he continues to stare at the TV.

“I didn’t know that you like Wham so much.”

“Huh?” Nikki says, finally looking at Tommy.

“You can’t seem to peel your eyes away from the screen.”

“Nah, I was just thinking that this is like an anthem to your ex,” Nikki snickers, referring to the lyrics of “Everything She Wants.”

“Pretty much, except for the baby part, thank god.”

“Now that would have been disastrous. See, love is so futile.”

“I don’t know. I guess. I thought that I loved her, or I maybe, sort of, tricked myself into believing so.”

“Love is a waste of time, besides I’d be hard pressed to believe that anybody would want to love me. I’m not worth the heartache.”

“I would want to,” Tommy says. It just slipped out. He’s bracing for a harsh reaction.

“OK,” Nikki smiles, going back to the TV screen.

“Seriously, Nik. I mean, what we do…. well, it’s intimate.”

“And?”

“Well, don’t you ever feel anything from it. I mean, fuck, we’re together so much. Like do you ever miss me when I’m not around? I miss you.”

“I do…. what you’re driving at?”

“So doesn’t that mean that you kind of have feelings for me?” Tommy asks nervously.

“Of course I have feelings for you. I care about you.”

“That’s all?”

“Listen, I’m not really understanding what more you want me to say.”

“Well, now that I’m on the spot, I may as well say it, I think that I might be starting to fall for you. You know, like love.”

“Told you, that no one’s gonna love me.”

“Saying that doesn’t negate my feelings for you. They’re my feelings.”

“Tom, I can’t do this love thing. It’s not for me. I care about you, OK?”

Tommy sits silent, feeling hurt and humiliated. He gets up to leave, walking down the hallway.

Nikki watches him walk away. He senses that Tommy is upset, but doesn’t really understand why.

About 5 minutes pass by, and Tommy hasn’t returned. Nikki doesn’t know whether he just went up to use the bathroom, or if maybe he’s pouting somewhere. He does care. He cares a lot about his friend, and doesn’t like when he’s hurt or upset. He gets up to go find him.

Tommy is in his bedroom, lying on the bed, his back to the door.

“Tom? You OK?” Nikki asks, pushing the door open further.

“Figured you left.”

“Dude. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset, and maybe you need to try to help me understand why you’re upset? The fact that I don’t do love is nothing against you, I just don’t get it. It’s not a big deal to me. I said that I care about you, and I said that I miss you when we’re not together. I don’t know how else to let you know that I’m happy with you,” Nikki says, stepping into the room.

“I’m not upset with you, Nikki. It just doesn’t feel good when your feelings for someone are unrequited. But, it’s fine. I just need some time alone. I thought maybe after all this time, you felt the same way.”

“I never said that I didn’t have feelings. I just don’t get why love has to be involved. It just gets messy.”

“I don’t know, Nik. It’s not something I can help.”

“Fuck. Tom…. I’m honestly not trying to be a jerk. I just thought that sex and caring about each other and having fun each other, missing each other were all that we really need.”

“I said, it’s fine. I’m not upset.”

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

“Because I feel stupid, that’s all.”

“This is exactly my point of why I don’t do love, so that nobody has to feel stupid.”

Tommy finally sits up, and looks at Nikki. “Love isn’t stupid!” Tommy shouts.

“Yup, now you’re getting mad at me. It’s all a fucking pattern. You know, I grew up not really understanding what love is. My dad abandoned me. My mom didn’t want me, and it fucking hurt. I wanted her attention and I never got it, unless she was yelling at me for something. I’m pretty sure she hated me. Yet everyone always just said...

_ ‘Oh Frankie, don’t worry. She loves you, she’s just messed up in the head, or don’t think that she doesn’t love you, Frankie, she’s just stressed out, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She loves you very much.’  _

Everyone tells me that she loves me, even now! So what’s that tell me about love? I wanted her to spend time with me. I wanted her to stop her boyfriends from hitting me. I wanted her to be proud of the things that I did, or to tell me that she liked drawing that I made for her. I wanted her to bring me out to get ice cream. Just me and her, and we could sit together on the bench and watch the world go by as we licked our melting ice cream cones. But she never did. She never did any of that. I was lonely as fuck. But, I guess she still loved me somehow….. Well, I think it sucks. I don’t want to be loved because it leads to pain,” Nikki says, wiping a tear away…... “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…. Shit, I didn’t mean to go off like that. Sometimes my past hurts come up and bite me when I least expect it,” Nikki says, sitting in the wing chair. ‘I’m sorry.”

Tommy just realized something. Nikki doesn’t know what love is. He doesn’t recognize the feelings that he has as love, because his view of it has been raped to hell. Tommy wants to tell him that what his mother did to him is not love, but then it means telling him that his mother never loved him. How do you tell someone that? Tommy won’t be able to make him understand anything about love without devastating him in regard to his mother. Right? Because your mom is supposed to automatically love you. It’s a fact of life, but he was dealt something different. All these things that Nikki has been trying to tell Tommy about, caring and missing him, they are his way of expressing love, he just doesn’t know it. The emotions and actions are there, but the understanding of what they mean is not.

Tommy takes a deep breath. He gets it now. Nikki has been trying to tell him that he loves him, but he says it using other words because he thinks love brings on pain and fighting. Tommy will help him figure this out someday, just not now. He gets up off the bed, and wraps his arms around the bassist, kissing his forehead.

“Nikki?”

“Hmm?”

“Fuck all this. Let’s just go to the ice cream shop together, and get the biggest fucking ice cream cones that they have.”

Nikki picks up his head and smiles, nodding yes, then hugs Tommy back, tightly. He’s in love, he just doesn’t know it.

  
  
  
  



End file.
